Music Stands for Comfort 3: My Bloody Valentine
My Bloody Valentine soundtracked a part of my life when I was sinking into a drug soaked abyss, and then when I came out of it. All of my friends and I fell under there spell- they are an addictive, listenable band- a beach boys for the future.
There music has a hazy quality to it that went well with drugs- I remember listening to it when I was rolling, and on another occasion when I took mushrooms followed by vicodin and I was cuddling with a friend who half made the transition to lover, and then transitioned to nothing a few months later when I had turned into a puddle.
People call it make out music, and it was good for that too: it has the properly self-satisfied, reaching hermetic quality that captures the mood of being high or involved. It was endless- I remember letting "Loveless" (there master piece) over and over again, just letting it play on loop.
It was a strange period: it was really good, like I had friends and money and I was getting high and it was fun, and then suddenly it all turned awful, and I was strung out and acting badly. I found myself unable to handle anything, that life was just unbearable.
So I left for a little while, got myself sorted out and came back.
My friend Zoe was moving back from her own private hell. She and I had gone to high school together, where in ninth grade (when she dressed like the skinniest, palest Chola in the world) I asked her out and she said no !
We weren't friends at the time, and we were both just messes when we met again. But we both looked better. She had filled out, I had lost weight (like thirty pounds) and we got along OK. Ok enough that she decided to hook up with me. There was no seduction involved- we both just knew.
Justin and I were driving to Harris's steak house to eat, and Zoe called me to ask if she could come over later that night. Which she did. With this homeless punk rocker who was black out drunk, and her friend Laura, who was one of the coldest, most inhuman peole I'd ever met. I had a long crush on her- she looked like a latina Snow White, but she literally had no heart. She hated other people, probably hated herself. She did not have an internal life that she expressed. She had a little sister who was much bigger than her, and beat her badly.
I kicked the punk and Laura out of my house. Zoe and I hung out, hooked up. It was fun.
We played a little at being b/f / g/f- I rememberd once she folded my clothes- it was the first time a girl had ever done something like that for me- but it didn't work. I was too immature, she was too emotional, I was not supportive, she demanded too much-
On Valentines day, as our relationship was careening to a stupid end, I gave her the My Bloody Valentine album "Loveless" as a gift. We both got the joke.